Talk with your child about emotions calmly and in simple words: help them name the feeling, listen to them, and show that the feeling itself is acceptable—even if something needs to be done about their actions. Don’t shame your child for anger, fear, or tears. Talk about what they’re feeling and how they can express it safely.
This makes it easier for children to understand themselves and ask for support, and helps adults avoid reducing the conversation to a prohibition or punishment. This article looks at how to talk with your child about emotions in everyday situations while taking their age into account. For a broader look at the goals and approaches of parenting and the role of family, see our feature, “Educating and Raising a Child: Goals, Approaches, and the Role of Family.”
| Situation | Unhelpful response | More helpful response |
|---|---|---|
| Child is crying | “Don’t cry” | “I can see you’re upset” |
| Child is angry | “You’re bad” | “You’re angry; hitting isn’t okay” |
| Child has hurt someone’s feelings | “You’re bad” | “They fell when you pushed them. How can we help?” |
| Child doesn’t want to talk | “Tell me right now” | “You can tell me or draw it” |
- 5 words An example of a starter emotion vocabulary: joy, sadness, fear, anger, surprise.
- 3 steps A simple way to talk through a situation: what happened, what feeling came up, and what to try next time.
- 0 required hugs You don’t have to comfort someone by touching them: you can offer help or give them space.
What does teaching emotional literacy look like in everyday life?
In everyday life, teaching emotional literacy means helping your child notice and name a feeling, then choose a safe action—not expecting them to stay calm all the time. Adults can get angry or tired, too. The important thing is not to forbid a feeling, but to set limits on actions.
A feeling and an action are not the same thing: it’s okay to feel angry, but not to hit someone; it’s okay to feel hurt, but not to insult someone. It helps to talk about a specific situation. For example, say, “You were upset when someone knocked over your block tower,” rather than judging your child by saying, “You’re being difficult.” This keeps the focus on the feeling and what happened, rather than on a label.
Feelings and family rules
Teaching emotional literacy is connected to family rules for communicating: it’s easier for a child to find their way when those close to them acknowledge feelings while clearly setting limits on unacceptable actions. For example, you can agree to talk through conflicts and not resort to hitting or insults. For more on parenting goals and approaches, see our feature, “Educating and Raising a Child: Goals, Approaches, and the Role of Family.”
How can you help your child recognize and name emotions?
Words instead of labels
Help your child recognize emotions by offering a few familiar words to choose from—joy, sadness, fear, anger, or surprise—and don’t insist on an exact answer. You can start with something you can observe: “You frowned and went quiet. Do you think you’re angry or tired?” This is a guess, not a diagnosis: your child can agree, choose another word, or not answer yet.
A scene from a book or a cartoon can give you a chance to talk about a character’s feelings without immediately asking your child about their own. Invite them to think about what the character might have felt and what they did that suggests it—for example, they moved away, smiled, or asked for help. Discuss possibilities rather than declaring that there is only one right answer.
Drawing as a way to tell your story
If your child finds it hard to talk, invite them to show their feelings with a gesture or draw them, then calmly talk about the picture. You could ask what colors or details they chose and what is happening in the drawing; don’t assign it a fixed meaning. Different ways of expressing feelings can suit different moments: talking when your child is ready to name a feeling, gesturing when showing is easier, and drawing when they want to tell you something without words.
- Talking: Choose one of five words: joy, sadness, fear, anger, or surprise.
- Gesture: Show the feeling if finding the words is still difficult.
- Drawing: Draw the feeling and discuss the details without guessing on your child’s behalf.
How can you teach your child to consider other people’s feelings?
To teach your child to consider other people’s feelings, name the consequence of their actions, invite them to imagine how the other person might feel, and find a way to make things right together. Say, “When you took the toy car, your brother stopped playing.” This helps your child see the connection between what they did and what happened, without hearing a verdict that they are bad.
Talking about the toy car lets you discuss feelings without guessing on someone else’s behalf: ask what their brother might have felt. He might have been angry or upset, or simply wanted his toy back. Offer a few possibilities and don’t insist that your child choose just one. Then help them make things right: return the toy car, ask permission, or agree to take turns. An apology can be part of making up, but it doesn’t replace returning the toy or taking another specific action.
First, calm; then, support
If your child is upset or angry, don’t expect them to comfort their brother right away. First help them calm down and work out what happened; after that, you can talk about how they might help. This keeps empathy from becoming coercion and ties the conversation to a specific incident: the toy car, what happened, and what to do next.
How can children express strong feelings safely?
Safety first
Strong feelings are safer to express when an adult stops dangerous behavior, offers the child an appropriate alternative, and saves explanations for when they are ready to listen. During an outburst, say briefly: “I won’t let you hit. You can say, ‘I’m angry,’ or walk away.” Then offer them a choice:
- Squeeze a pillow or tear up scrap paper if they need to release tension without hitting someone.
- Draw if it’s easier for your child to express their feelings through a picture.
- Stay close to an adult if what they need most is not to be alone.
When your child is very worked up, don’t add long explanations: repeat the limit in one sentence and help them choose a safe action. Save the conversation about causes and consequences for later.
Talking after an outburst
After the incident, calmly talk it through in order: what happened, what feeling came up, and what your child might try next time. For example, discuss how they could say “I’m angry,” walk away, squeeze a pillow, or call an adult instead of hitting. This helps connect the feeling with a specific way to express it without harming themselves or others.
What adult reactions get in the way of teaching emotional literacy?
Dismissive responses to feelings, labels about a child’s character, and attempts to stop unwanted behavior immediately without helping the child calm down can all get in the way of teaching emotional literacy. Phrases like “Don’t cry” and “It’s no big deal” can make it sound as if there’s nothing to feel upset about. Instead, try saying, “I can see you’re upset. Tell me about it if you’re ready.”
Instead of calling a child “angry,” “greedy,” or “ungrateful,” talk about the specific action and its consequences—for example, that taking a toy upset another child. Don’t demand that your child share, hug, or apologize right away. First set a limit—for example, “Hitting isn’t okay”—and give them time to calm down. Then the conversation is about what can be changed, rather than an apparently unchangeable character trait.
Acknowledging a feeling doesn’t mean allowing every action. You can empathize with anger while still prohibiting hurtful behavior: “You’re angry, but you can’t hit.” Once your child has calmed down, talk about other ways to express anger—with words or by asking for help.
When isn’t a conversation at home enough?
A conversation at home isn’t enough if your child’s feelings or behavior consistently get in the way of everyday life. Talk about what you’ve observed with a pediatrician or child psychologist. A single incident—for example, being very upset after an argument—isn’t enough on its own to conclude that your child has a problem.
Before a consultation, write down specific situations: what happened, how long the reaction lasted, and what helped it end. Notes on several incidents can help you explain not only the behavior itself to a professional, but also the circumstances in which it happens again.
You can use emotion cards, games, and conversations at home, but don’t promise that they’ll quickly change your child’s behavior: an approach may take time and need adjustments. If difficulties continue to interfere with your child’s everyday activities, revisit your observations and discuss them with a professional.
Frequently asked questions
Do I need to name every emotion my child feels?
What should I say if my child is angry and shouting?
How can I explain to my child that someone else is hurt?
Should I make my child apologize?
Key takeaways
- Name the feeling without labels, and don’t present a guess as certain knowledge.
- Separate feelings from actions: it’s okay to feel angry, but not to hurt someone.
- To talk about empathy, focus on the consequences of a specific action rather than blaming your child.
- If emotional difficulties consistently interfere with everyday life, discuss them with a professional.
