Parent and Adult Child: How to Talk About First Steps

Talk about first steps with your adult child with curiosity and support: ask how they see the experience themselves, and listen without judgment or unsolicited advice.

For a parent, this can be an emotional milestone; for an adult child, it may be a personal story with its own pace and feelings. It’s easier to begin a conversation about first steps with an open-ended question, then make room for both independence and closeness. For more on typical timing and when to seek advice, see our guide, “When Do Children Usually Start Walking? Timing, First Steps, and Reasons to Seek Advice.”

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• 65 лет Boss’s age in the example from the material about transactional analysis
• 15–20 минут в день Stated duration of quality interaction in the material about speech development

How can a parent and adult child talk about first steps?

Ask instead of judging

It’s best to talk about an adult child’s first steps neutrally: ask whether they remember how old they were when they started walking, without calling that age early or late or comparing them with other children. The question leaves room for a family memory rather than turning the conversation into a judgment.

• If the exact age is unknown, say so plainly: there’s no need to pin down a family story to the month or a specific date.
• Don’t use an adult child’s first steps as a yardstick for a baby: one person’s experience doesn’t establish a timeline for another child.

In this conversation, a considerate approach matters more than an exact chronology: don’t make achievements a condition of love or say that your child was worse than others. If the memory leads to an argument, you can simply say, “We don’t remember exactly,” without trying to guess the date.

For developmental milestones, first steps, and reasons to seek advice, read our guide, “When Do Children Usually Start Walking? Timing, First Steps, and Reasons to Seek Advice.” It can help you distinguish a family story from questions about a baby’s development.

What does the “Parent—Adult—Child” model mean?

The “Parent—Adult—Child” model describes three ego states from which a person may speak and act; they are not three separate people or labels for the ages of those in a conversation. American psychologist and psychiatrist Eric Berne proposed the model to explain patterns in human behavior. An adult child’s words about their own infancy may therefore reflect different ways of seeing family history.

The Parent state is associated with learned rules and judgments, while the Child state involves feelings and perceptions formed during childhood. The Adult state helps a person check the conversation against what is happening now, rather than automatically repeating family beliefs or projecting childhood feelings onto the situation. This is not an age category: people of any generation can draw on it.

How to apply this to family memories

When an adult son or daughter recalls how babies were treated in the family, the Adult state can help separate past experience from judgments about the baby today. For example, “They used to leave me to cry, too” can be discussed as a memory of their own childhood, not as a verdict on what to do with a child now. This makes family history a reason to think about the present situation, rather than a ready-made rule for it.

How can you talk about first steps without comparing family members?

Talk about first steps as a family memory, not as a standard for a child: “That’s our family story; let’s look at the child’s development separately.” This lets you preserve the story of the past without turning it into a prediction or a judgment about the baby.

Separate the memory from the conclusion

In transactional analysis, the Adult state is described as an independent set of feelings, perceptions, and behavioral patterns adapted to current reality. In this conversation, that means taking into account what you remember without treating the memory as proof of how another child should develop.

• Instead of “You started walking later, so the baby isn’t in a hurry either,” say, “That’s our family story; let’s look at the child’s development separately.”
• Don’t rank children by the age at which they took their first steps: a personal memory, by itself, proves nothing about another child’s development.

Differences between children are a reason to pay attention to each child individually, not to compete. If a conversation about when your adult son or daughter started walking upsets them, acknowledge that and change the subject: closeness matters more than the accuracy of an old family story.

When does a conversation about childhood become a reproach?

A conversation about first steps becomes a reproach when an adult judges the child’s character instead of sharing a neutral memory: “You were worse than the others” or “Everything came late for you.” Such phrases sound like comparisons and verdicts, not descriptions of what happened. You could put it differently: “I remember you started walking later, but I can’t say exactly when.”

Memories of early childhood may be incomplete: relatives’ accounts don’t always make it possible to establish exactly how old a child was when they took their first steps or started talking. So it’s better to identify an approximate recollection as approximate rather than turn it into a definite timeline. This helps people discuss the past without arguing about who was “behind” and who was to blame.

How to keep the conversation safe

In transactional analysis, psychological maturity is associated with moving flexibly between the Parent, Adult, and Child states, rather than letting one predominate. The Parent state is linked to beliefs, rules, and norms learned from significant adults; when talking about childhood, it can help to notice when care turns into control and judgment. If the conversation causes fear or distress, don’t try to force agreement through punishment or shame: stop and return to the subject when the other person is ready.

How can you separate the story of an adult child from worries about a baby?

To separate the story of when an adult child started walking from worries about a baby, clarify what is concerning you right now: a specific difficulty the child is having, or a comparison with family history. Write down what you observe instead of drawing a conclusion from a formula like “Everyone in our family walks late.”

Two different conversations

An adult child’s story is a memory, not an assessment of a baby’s development. Discuss it separately, without turning it into a prediction or comparing the children: unconditional acceptance helps ensure that your relationship with a child isn’t reduced to their achievements.

• Family history: when and how, according to the parents’ recollections, the adult child took their first steps. This is a personal episode, not a guide for a baby.
• Observations of the baby: what the baby is doing now and the specific difficulty that is causing concern. Note concrete examples rather than replacing them with generalizations about the family.

If your question is about a baby’s development, discuss it separately from stories about the adult child’s childhood, and seek advice if your concern persists. Consider the timing of first steps and reasons to seek help separately: one old family anecdote cannot replace an assessment of what you observe now.

How can you repair the conversation if a comparison has already been made?

If you’ve already made a comparison, acknowledge your mistake directly: “I compared you with other people—that was unfair.” Don’t follow it with “I only meant well”: that shifts the conversation away from how your words affected your adult child and toward your intentions. Give them time to respond—or to say nothing.

Tell them that their worth doesn’t depend on what they’ve achieved or how old they were when they took their first steps. The same applies to family memories: when telling a story about the past, don’t insist that the other person must remember the same episode or feel the same way about it. Honesty means acknowledging different perspectives; patience means listening to the response without arguing.

Next time, start with an open question about family memories, for example: “What do you remember most from the stories about your first steps?” This gives your adult child the choice to share their perspective, change the subject, or not continue the conversation. If they don’t want to talk, accept that without reproach and return to the subject only when they’re ready.

Frequently asked questions